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Post by captainmorgan on Oct 24, 2008 9:04:50 GMT 8
If you don't laugh about this one, you're dead!!!
>
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAY
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A
FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
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THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND
WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO
BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE
TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY
GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
>
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO
UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
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AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
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'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
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'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I
WAS LOVING HER.'
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HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A
WITCH.'
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'A WITCH ??. . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
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'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE
NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE. THEN SHE FARTED
AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!!!'
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Post by captainmorgan on Oct 24, 2008 9:33:15 GMT 8
"DADDY, HOW WAS I BORN"
Little boy goes to his father and asks
"Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son,
I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first
got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail
with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded
room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon
as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used
a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got
Male!"
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Post by captainmorgan on Oct 24, 2008 9:41:46 GMT 8
FOR THE "TUMMY BROTHERS"
THE BEST E-MAIL OF THE YEAR!!!!!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out
their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove
them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, and stopped at
the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to
put away the gro ceries, paid the bills, and balanced the cheque book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already
1:00 P.M., and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum,
dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids, and got into an argument with
them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies, and got the kids organized to do their
homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing.
At 4:30 P.M. he began peeling potatoes, and washing vegetables for
salad, breaded the pork chops, and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M., he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade
back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way
they were."
"You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last
night."
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Post by captainmorgan on Oct 24, 2008 9:46:11 GMT 8
pinoy jokes
WIFE: I'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO NA!!!
-------------------------------
MISTER: pag namatay ka, isusulat ko sa nitso mo
"MALAMIG NUNG BUHAY, MAS MALAMIG NUNG MAMATAY!"
MISIS: Ah ganun?! sa nitso mo naman "SA WAKAS NANIGAS DIN!"
--------------------------------
WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko.
Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako..
---------------------------
1st night lola wear see thru dress, lolo didn't react...
2nd night lola wear t-back (thong), lolo still deadma...
3rd nyt lola all naked, lolo said "anu yan suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"
------------------------------
Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad says we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
----------------------------
RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA : we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA : you can't go there, you'll burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!
---------------------------
Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's make
love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw,
hindi na.
--------------------------
KRIMINAL 1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL 2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala pa rin siya!
.... Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya."
This is my favorite:
Juan: b-day ng asawa ko
Pedro: ano regalo mo?
Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
P: ano naman sinabi?
J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
P: ano binigay mo?
J: Baraha.
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Post by captainmorgan on Oct 24, 2008 9:49:10 GMT 8
"TOO MUCH CHICKEN"
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered
that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey,
how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said
"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are!
Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the neck and the gizzards
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Post by captainmorgan on Nov 13, 2008 8:45:54 GMT 8
MATH TEACHER: “an0ng png-kaiba ng 69 at 6.9?”
STUDENT: “ma’m pareho lang po sila ng p0siti0n kaya lang mas kadiri ang 6.9.”
TEACHER: “bakit?”
STUDENT: “kasi po my peri0d!”
=======================================
TAONG GRASA: “palimos po?”STUDENT: “Pang-inom o sigarilyo?”
TA0NG GRASA: Wala po akong bisyo.”
STUDENT: “lika sama ka sa bahay,para makita ng nanay ko ang nangyayari sa taong walang bisyo!”
===============================================
Ano ka sa past life mo?*reincarnation ba* get the 3rd letter of ur name .. Ito ka noon.
- good luck!
A- diyosa
B- hito
C- kuhol
D- libag
E- almoranas
F- palaka
G- matandang dalaga
H- bakla
I- prinsesa
J- higad
K- sirena
L- pusang gala
M- asong ulol
N- bee
O- engkantada
P- tutubing karayom
Q- bakulaw
R- paruparo
S- patabaing baboy
T- butiki
U- syokoy
V- ipis
W- kulangot
X- diwata
Y- prinsipe
Z- hadhad
Swertehan na lang.
==============================================
SEXY: “Kasalanan po ba ang di pagsusuot ng panty
PARI: “Oo!”
SEXY: “Pano po yan? Wala akong panty ngayon.”
PARI: “Magtambling ka 10x papuntang altar!”
Mrs. “Naniniwala ka ba na ang babae habang tumatanda e gumaganda?”
Mr. “0o naman!”
Mrs. “Sa tingin mo ba, gumaganda ako?”
Mr. “Sa tingin ko,hindi ka tumatanda!”
==============================================
Question: Why are condoms transparent?
Answer: So that the sperms could at least enjoy the scenery of their supposedly promised land!
===============================================
A Little Girl’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, please send clothes for the poor girls who don’t even have shirts and underwear in my kuya’s magazine. AMEn…!
================================================
Nakapulot si Pedro ng bote na may genie sa loob.
Genie: “Bibigyan kita ng 3 kahilingan..”
Pedro:
“1. gusto kong tumira sa malaking bahay.
2. gusto kong pumuti ang complexion ko.
3. gusto ko lahat ng babaeng makakita sa akin ay maghuhubad ng panty at papatong sa akin.”
BOOOM!!!
….at naging inidoro si Pedro.
================================================
“Pare, kumusta ka na?”
He hesitantly answered back.
“Ah, ok lang…”
He asked again.
“Ano gingawa mo diyan?”
Unknowing what to say he answered.
“Eto ume-ebs.”
Again the guy speaks.
“Pare, tawagan kita mamaya, may sumasagot dito sa tabi ko.”
================================================
Sacristan: “Pardon me, lady, but u have been coming to this shrine for 10 years. What are you praying, if i may ask?”
Lady: “I dont have a child. Im praying for a child.”
Sacristan: “How do u propose to have a child by coming here?”
Lady: “Oh, i keep on praying thousands of Hail Mary’s.”
Sacristan: “Why don’t you try one of Our Fathers?” ?”
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Post by General on Nov 13, 2008 21:19:05 GMT 8
AYOS !!!
SANDAMUKAL NA JOKES YAN!!!
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Post by sailormoon on Nov 14, 2008 11:01:48 GMT 8
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Post by captainmorgan on Nov 14, 2008 13:32:22 GMT 8
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Post by captainmorgan on Nov 14, 2008 13:57:14 GMT 8
ETO PA... WAG KAYO TATAWA  
arabo
an arab was interviewed at US chekpoint
name pls?
arab:abdul aziz
interviewer:sex?
arab:6x a week
interviewer:i mean male or female
arab:doesn't matter, sumtyms even camel
interviewer:HOLY COW!
arab:yes, cow, and dogs too!
interviewer:oh dear!
arab:deer? no deer! dey run fast!
==============================
Pasahe
Sa Isang Jeep
Pasahero: Mama, Magkano Po Yung Pasahe?
Driver: 7.50 Yung Minimum
Pasahero: (Dumukot Ito Sa Bulsa Para Kunin Yung Pera Niya, Ngunit sa Di Sinasadyang Dahilan Kulang Yung Pamasahe Niya.) Patay, Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Paano Kaya Ito? (Nag Isip Ito At Lumingon Sa Driver. Napansin Niya Na Duling Ito. Sabi Niya Sa Kanyang Sarili, Tama Duling Yung Driver Sigurado Pag Nagbigay Ako Ng 3.75 di Niya Mapapansin Na Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Kasi Doble Yung Paningin Nito. Inabot Niya Sa Driver Yung Pera.
Ngunit Laking Gulat Niya Nung May Sinabi Yung Driver Sa Kanya.
Driver: Kulang Ito!
Pasahero: Anong Kulang? Di Ba Sabi Mo 7.50 Yung Minimum?
Driver: Oo Nga 7.50 eh Dalawa Kaya Kayo.
Patay! Akala Mo Lusot Kana ha?
================================================
Isang U.S. Major ang na-stationed sa isolated na Kampo sa Iraq. Kinabukasan, habang may ispection, napansin ng Major ang isang camel na nakatali sa likuran ng Barracks. Nagtanong siya sa Sergeant kung bakit may alagang camel sa Kampo.
SGT: Major, dito sa kampo, masyadong malayo ang bayan kaya't kung sinuman ang gustong makatikim ng ligaya, nandito naman ang camel.
Major: Bawal mag alaga ng hayop dito sa Kampo pero kung para sa 'morale' ng mga Troops, it's okey with me.
Makalipas ang anim na buwan, hindi na makatiis ang Major kaya't tinawag ang Sarhento.
Major: Dalhin mo dito sa tent ang camel. Walang nagawa ang Sarhento kaya't dinala ang camel sa loob ng tent. Makalipas ang 15 minutes, lumabas ang Major na nakangiti.
Major: Sergeant, ganito ba ang ginagawa ng mga Troops pag nalulungkot sila?
Sergeant: Hindi po Sir, sinasakyan nila ang camel papunta sa bayan para makahanap ng mga babae!
================================================
TO BE CONTINUED........
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Post by captainmorgan on Nov 14, 2008 14:13:27 GMT 8
AYOS !!! SANDAMUKAL NA JOKES YAN!!!  |
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Post by General on Nov 14, 2008 22:21:34 GMT 8
SALAMAT SA DEDICATION MO!!
SAYANG PURO NOTA LANG!!
E PANO NA ETO NOTA KO???
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Post by sailormoon on Nov 15, 2008 8:24:57 GMT 8
SALAMAT SA DEDICATION MO!! SAYANG PURO NOTA LANG!! E PANO NA ETO NOTA KO??? ANONG NOTA MO ASA KA PA!!!! NATAYO PA BA? AHHHH!!! WORRY KA NA NGA PALA AT AYAW NG SUMALUDO ;D  |
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Post by captainmorgan on Nov 17, 2008 10:45:53 GMT 8
SALAMAT SA DEDICATION MO!! SAYANG PURO NOTA LANG!! E PANO NA ETO NOTA KO??? ANONG NOTA MO ASA KA PA!!!! NATAYO PA BA? AHHHH!!! WORRY KA NA NGA PALA AT AYAW NG SUMALUDO ;D |
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;D ;D ;D:D
;D 
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